Help Me Forget
by FallenAngel10086
Summary: He said it twice, but the second time... it was so much better. Dean/Castiel, past-Dean/Alistair


**Title **Help Me Forget

**Summary** He said it twice, but it was so much better the second time around.

**Disclaimer** I can only wish that I owned Supernatural… but all I'm doing is playing in the sandbox of EK wonderful creation.

**Rating/Warnings** M/It's got some language, blood, violence, slash and it is a bit of a mind-fuck. Honestly the rating is for safety…

_XxX_

The heat was so suffocating he had no idea how he wasn't burning himself, but one learns not to question the finer details of hell unless they wanted their pain to worsen. He knew his body was soaked in sweat, blood and tears, but everything had all run together and it had been so long that the fact was completely null at this point. The pain of not being in pain was starting to wear off at this point so he knew at any moment that _he_ was going to return soon. A part of him was dreading _his_ return, and then the other half was practically weeping with relief. The line that separated hate and love had long since blurred, but a nagging part of him told him that he no longer knew what love was. So he had come to the conclusion that _he_ was just a wonderfully hated distraction from the passing years.

"How is my little pet today?" _his_ saccharine sweet voice came to him, and tore at his mind like the wickedly sharp razors he used to slice his skin open all up and down his body.

"Go fuck yourself," his voice was hoarse from disuse and the sheer amount of _screaming_ he'd done.

_He_ sighed wearily, "I see you still have your infamous Winchester stubbornness… Let's see what we can do about that, shall we?"

The pain started again; the real pain of being torn apart, and in a small moment of clarity… he knew he wouldn't be able to continue saying 'no' for much longer.

*~O~*

He had held out far longer than he had hoped for. It was a full decade later before the day came when he broke.

Well, not that there were _days_ in Hell, but the fact remains…

He'd had enough; he had long since given up on being saved. No one was coming; not a soul topside even gave a damn about some pathetic man who had been incapable of living without his baby brother… or at least that was what _he_ had convinced him of.

'Fuck this!' he thought viciously, 'None of it matters… nothing is going to change, except maybe my pain…'

"I'll ask you again pet… Do you want it to end? All you have to do is, do to others is what I've done to you… All you have to do is become my student," _he_ whispered the words seductively in his ear. All the while _he_ dragged the point of a knife down his torso, not splitting the skin open, but it definitely burned with an imaginary fire.

He closed his eyes and turned his head as far away as he could. The shame he thought he didn't have the right to feel was starting to suffocate him more thoroughly than the heat could ever hope to achieve. He gave up on his brother; the brother he could barely remember, but he gave up on him all the same.

So he turned back to _him_ and said the words that would damn him even further…

"Sign me up…"

*~O~*

The next _day_ he felt absolutely sick with shame and ecstasy. It was his first day on the other side of the blade. His first of many victims was some faceless woman; well she had a face, but all he _saw_ was a blur. All he knew was that she screamed so prettily.

_He_ had found him crouched down, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feel; he was looking at the blade he held in his hands in unrelenting horror and a sick twisted fascination. _He_ didn't have time to speak a single word, because in less time than it took to blink he had stood up and pressed his body against _his_.

The he said another three words that would damn even more than before…

"Help me forget…" he had whispered the plea so brokenly that even the crueler darker side of _him_. Well _he_ just _had_ to take pity on the pathetic needy soul pressed up against _him_.

Thus began the intricate relationship of passionate torture, and hateful bloody sex.

*~O~*

Then he had been saved from the pit…

He was terrified of the angel at first; he didn't care that he knew what had transpired between _him_ and himself, but he didn't want his little brother know. It also was pretty much the entire reason he felt he didn't deserve to be raised from perdition. He felt he was no better than _him_ and that he should have been left in the pit to rot… but here he was topside. The guilt of not only torturing souls, but the fact that he had been with _him_ grew enormous. He drank as much as he could without dying again. He only drank enough to knock him out at night, but it never stopped the dreams of what had happened downstairs.

His efforts were in vain though…

His brother noticed the drinking, and then that damned second angel just had to go and open his fucking mouth. He told his brother eventually what he could; he would _never_ tell his brother about _him_ though. He didn't even tell him when _he_ had come topside.

*~O~*

After their run-in with the drunken prophet… he just _couldn't_ pretend everything was fine anymore.

He wandered around in the night long after he knew his brother was asleep. Somehow, God only knew how much later, he found himself in an empty park. It was there when he finally broke, and when he really felt as if maybe there was some hope for him.

He called out for his angel, and he must have known what was going through his mind because he didn't even make any kind of remark.

He repeated the words he had said so long ago to _him_, but instead of damning him… he found salvation in the arms of an angel…

"Help me forget," he was pleading again, he was broken again.

Wrapped in his angel's arms, wings and grace he was cleansed of the past with _him_. Basking in his angel's love… he was finally restored to something that was nearly whole. Not completely… if only because he had never been that way to start with.

Then he spoke another three words that saved him all over again…

"I love you…"

'And maybe,' he thought, 'it's the truth.'

_XxX_

**End Notes** umm who everyone is should be obvious, but here.

He is Dean, _He_ is Alistair, the angel is Castiel and the second angel is Uriel… (Do I really have to put this..?)

Anyway… HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (Sorry that this is late…)


End file.
